Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known
1 cor 13.12

jennipenni is engaged. !!!!!!! !!!!! i still remember when i took the picture above... four years ago. time flies

i guess it's inevitable... the girls will be reunited :D

congrats jennipenni :)

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

- C.S. Lewis

:( i forget that i have to let my heart be broken sometimes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHReQQnMVQo&NR=1

:)

i keep forgetting...

shane and shane

the answer

i've tried more of me
and i've come up dry
trading You for things
things that go away
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You

i have found the answer is
to love You and be loved by You alone
alright! alright! alright!
You crucify me and the world to me
and i will only boast in You
alright! alright! alright!

i'm so satisfied
at the thought of You
growing up in me
covering everything
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You

You are, You are (loved by me)
You are, You are (You're loved by me)
You are, You are (You're loved by me)
You are, You are, You are


also, need to look forward...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EyI4p0yjDQ

i neeeeed to stop sleeping so much :( it seems like everything's been giving me an excuse to sleep... excessive cold, people, studying? nooo

i don't think it's a coincidence when people ask for advice on the exact same thing you're struggling on

cosmic

tree of knowledge of good and evil

until yesterday, i never really grasped the fact that the tree of knowledge of good and evil could have been thus named as an object lesson, and not because it could only give you such knowledge if you ate it. MIND BLOWING

sometimes i feel sooooooooooooo slow

man's profound need for companionship in conjunction with need for God is out of this world. or maybe it's in this world :)

recognition of loneliness as a sign of maturation... wow. at least God still talks to me... apparently i'm maturing! hehe...

i'm learning a lot just preparing for sg.

augh and what if your fellow human being is deceiving you? i feel so naive... again :(

gpc had a town hall meeting tonight. it was cool listening to older and wiser people, but kinda scary dealing with questions with no immediately discernible "right" answer... is there even a real "right" answer for us to find? the more povs i listen to, the more i realize that all sound so reasonable if you listen closely. one issue brought up: the fine line between being reasonable and being spiritual... is it only in our broken world today that we feel that this is supposed to be a valid question?

this situation is even more superbly (combo of words??) intimidating when you realize how much commitment and trust it'll take to be able to make a decision and stick with it, believing everything will turn out okay... and i'm just sitting there listening... ownership is overwhelming

from a later event, i found that these gray questions abound. what do you do in these events? i definitely learned to listen, but began to question how well i actually do. also in question are how well do i think and then react with these thoughts going on in my head, do i think about what i say to other people...? will i know when i actually hurt them? how to fix, if i don't..?

how much do you love your fellow human being? something to improve, still.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

proverbs 3.5-6

off campus unwinding

there's a dude here practicing his rhapsody in blue... repeating bits and pieces, stopping every once in a while to sigh and talk to the la-day next to him about... ?? who knows. grown up stuff. ... i'm supposed to be doing work, anyways >>... :P

now he's playing oldies (as time goes by)... oooo :D

such a refreshing atmosphere...

romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

something really different about living with three christian girls who are actively involved in on-campus ministry is that i'll find random scripture lying around from the various other small groups that take place in our common room. while waiting on our couch for a suite dinner the other night, i happened upon a printout of romans 3 and as a result, received a satisfying 'meal'. :P good stuff. i don't think i thought much about opening my bible that night, so that moment was a good one. makes me kind of wonder how subtle we can be with bringing up reminders of scripture in peoples' lives... heh heh >=)

jk.

have you ever gotten involved in a situation with one goal in mind and lost sight of it in the thick? when you look at the big picture, it seems impossible to lose sight of God... but i am so forgetful that only constant renewal and reminder can continue drawing me back. my lack of sufficient trust and understanding of God's omnipotence consistently pulls me away from the urgency of the condition of my own faith and its strength, penetrance into the world around it. my love for instant gratification lulls me into a cycle of complacency and comfort when people look happy and devastates me when i feel unsure of the unobservable conditions of others. there are so many aspects to myself i want to change, that i am so unsatisfied with that i can't keep track of it all and fail fail FAIL so much... yet when i self-diagnose, i only scratch the surface of a deep problem.

and to think that God loves this body... along with the other six billion in this world?... so fearfully and wonderfully made, so carefully crafted that attention has been paid to even each hair on our heads? i looked up the structure... God is a BEAST. and to think that God has considered EVERY detail of our lives and intertwines it with the complicated details of those other six billion... such attention. such love. i'm so thankful God is so much greater than our petty problems.

this world is so confusing.

jin
i am so happy contact you and your family. yes! she's my cute daughter. she's born in 2007.10.06. your monther give me so many cute clothing to her. long time no see. i miss you and your borther. if you have time come to china.

ge ge



Jin,

The weather is change. And do not forget to wear coat to go out. Jinnn.....
How's school going? sent Mom your classes list. we are going to see you on sunday.

Mon


hehe :) family forays into the modern world always provide joy... perhaps the only parallel to how i treasure these emails is how my parents still hold onto those letters charley and i would leave them... always poorly penned in chinese.

and a huge parallel to our communications to God.

there's a comfortable routine upon reaching the house after the restaurant closes... the first night always guarantees a quality mom-cooked hot meal after 10pm and staying up to wait for fresh, hot, clean clothes

breaks to routine:
.the restaurant closes at 9:30 instead of 10 now. o.O?! good for parents i guess ^^
.mom asked charley and i to go buy soda to restock the restaurant's fridge when we arrived. as we loaded 24 6-packs of 24-oz pepsi products into our cart, i had a flashback of getting yelled at for not wanting to go with my mom to buy this stuff as a kid... i would be so angry at me, too. but look, mommy... your kid is growing up! ^^'
.OLYMPICS YAY YAY YAY :D
.i feel old and a bit more responsibility-ridden.
.ta zou le. mom relaxes more that way.

i forgot tim keller's reason for God at the apartment...WAH T.T

josh groban

:)

our pride scars us most when we deceive ourselves by cloaking and masking it in indifference, conditional tolerance, self-deprecation, and perpetuate it with busy-ness and isolation.

praying for, working for, looking forward to the day we can bare our deepest, most painful scars like vets compare their old war wounds and boast.

1 corinthians

charley showed me shanghai kiss tonight. we almost watched ping pong! but anyways. probably not the best of movies, but one of those that kinda sucker punches me. who am i kidding... i cry in almost every movie :P no but really! this one's for those who look for the juno-esque witty one-liners and delight in quirky sayings (fewer and farther between as the movie goes on though), within the tired, horribly wrung out plot of self-hating asian learning to appreciate more of self. oh well. he's witty, at least :D

in other news: visited dianna this past weekend! cute seeing her famfam (joyce is right, they DO make you happy!!! ^^) and awesome hanging out with her plus others. :)

parents are in vietnam from hk and china with paternal grandma... got a call yesterday! prayers please..
it's so weird not being able to reach them anytime you want. sad. perhaps only charley really left the nest... but at least our family split up in pairs this summer. hooray charley :)

every time i talk to my grandma, she says "you're such a smart girl... keep studying to be a doctor!.. have you eaten yet?... you're a good girl... what time is it there.. shouldn't you be sleeping?? ok my hearing is bad... goodnight!"

my computer doesn't do (hasn't done..) internet in the apartment for some strange strange reason tsk tsk. oh well. isolation might be good for studying! and studying can make a person so antisocial and... isolated.

sheesh why am i blogging so late?! perhaps i just want to see some people talking to me next time i log into blogspot ;) what a shameless plug haha ^^ time to run away before the shame strikes. ew i don't even know if i can read this next time i log in... peace!

hope you all are doing well. :) i miss y'all

yesterday was unbelievable... but i think i'm far enough removed from most of yesterday's thinking to look back and laugh hehe :)

9:00 am: contact falls out. too prideful to ask ride to swing back to my place before library, so contact remains out after classes and until studying is over around 5:00 pm. mental chaos and headache (this sounds so emo heh ^^)

5:00 pm. tire blows out. noooo x.x while charley drives it. haha. this was actually a good thing, because charley did what he needed to do. props to the bro! charley is late. explosive tran tempers surface. i will learn to deal with things like this much better. find out that there is no electricity in the apartment... aiyah! supposedly it'll be back around 7.

6:30 pm. arrive at med school. worst mood on the face of the earth. decides to let it out on the bball court. horray for brute force! :) jk. but really, sports do wonders when you're down. sports, and eating ^^ charley's improved in basketball. super happy :)

8:00 pm. finally decide to work.

10:00 pm. brain is shot. goodbye med school!

10:30 pm. there is still no electricity. we use cell phone lights to find stuff. relocation: scott's pad. boy living quarters are ohmygoodness. tries to ensure that boys do not die from bathroom mold before a rush online to seek resources. yay internet! i've been getting very little signal to none in my own apartment. sad. thank goodness for stephanie suen and her hospitality.

11:30? 12? it's raining outside!! feels good :). i truly feel what dennis means by rain can be beautiful. i forgot my phone at scott's (!!!) SO charley drops me off at milbrook and i wait to get let in by buddy.

12:15 am ... ... ...

it took a while to get in. i learned last night that phones are super convenient. you don't know what have until you DON'T have it sigh.

super grateful for last night. things could definitely have been made easier if i were less stubborn and not so absent minded, but in the end, i realized that God gave me yesterday to really appreciate a normal day. i think i've been taking too much for granted lately. [setting my mind to study and work hard and put myself forward in life has consistently shown that i get into a very selfish mindset that assumes things should go my way. colossians 3:23 comes to mind when this happens :).] that days even go smoothly in our own standards, is a real blessing that i should be thankful for. beyond that, i got to hang out with a hospitable, hardworking sister that i've wanted to learn more about :)

inconceivable

i saw that it was difficult... but

i also saw determination to grow.

hope in God.

within two months of prayer, we found true community, worship... of two, growth; among many, the reflection of our common yearning for God's glorification

and there's so much more than even this to be thankful for.

and that'll be enough to keep our friendship going.



let's keep chugging ^^

from xanga. i still have no system for posting :(

when we believe in others, we can spur them to betterment.

example.

brilliant melodies ribbon out of Leon's instrument as he flawlessly breezes through Zigeunerweisen. it is a gorgeous piece... the music will take your heart, put little wings on it, and allow it to soar out of your body (an out of body experience!! hehe)... if it is played correctly. which is what my friend did. now imagine Leon placing the sheet music in front of you, a mediocre violinist, and telling you to play.

what?

i reluctantly picked up my beloved Forrest and Gump (violin, bow) and gave an honest try. they say honesty is the best policy, but i wish i could lie here. i wish i could tell you that there was something redeeming to my playing, but alas. each incorrectly placed finger made me wish i could retract my head into my body and stop playing, but my self-proclaimed teacher withstood my profuse apologies and refused to let me quit until the first page was complete.

jin: i'm so sorry. are you sure i can learn this within the summer?
leon: (you have to know him to see him saying this cheesy stuff non cheesily) i'm so sure. i believe you can do it.
jin: heh. skeptical.

haha. who knows. but if you had been there to experience my dejection, perhaps you could grasp how much that belief really took root in my previously self-defeating attitude about my own skills. not wanting to let my buddy slash teacher down, i picked up my violin the next day absolutely determined to show improvement... and surprisingly, within the next two hours, there /was/ improvement. i'm still no virtuoso, but that's to be expected. encouraging, to say the least. amazing, too, how this philosophy can be applied to so many other situations. i tend to forget how much potential God stores in people that comes out with work, and how much work went into God showing us this belief. perhaps i should have realized the former when i learned in physics that potential energy is the opposite of kinetic energy, which is work. even beyond the difficult personal goal of trying to stop being so mean to people, it's time also to stop being afraid of the power in people and to start expressing my belief in them... all. of. them. (and please pray for the best as i apply that tomorrow.)

hopefully, Leon's belief is well-informed enough to be right. whether it is or not, there'll definitely be huge amounts of improvement...i guess we'll find out from the results in september :)

forget mcats for a minute... or more

wouldnt it be awesome to buy a huuge huuge hat...

one of those whimsical floppy straw hats that you'd see on a woman gardening or walking on the beach

completely ridiculous

but pretend...
wearing it and
nurturing, trimming beautifully flowering hibiscus (wouldn't that be gorgeous?)
skipping down the street with arms spread
collecting seashells
biting into a cold, juicy watermelon
picnicking to jazz
reading under a tree
paddle boating on the lake, feeding ducks

m....

let it hang
tilt your head back
and let the beautiful day blow you away

or retreat under the wide brim
watch the world
and smile


[and think to yourself...
what a wonderful world]

i think that would be awesome

oh major decisions

joshua. funny that the verse i think of comes from that book :)

joshua 1:9.

a starbucks vanilla latte kept me awake in class this morning... as i studied this afternoon... attempted/ stumbled through/botched not even the first page of zigeunerweisen... but began puttering out as i mindlessly entered data into a computer... sigh. you were good while you lasted, vanilla latte :P

jay chou's secret with charley was so different...

oh gosh

i feel like i'm getting so serious sometimes

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080603/ap_on_re_as/china_earthquake

i hope the past weeks of protests will lead to a step in the right direction for china. i've never been super political, but at times like these i see the good in democratic process.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/05/28/beck.immigrantworkers/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

being forced to read cnn is awesome :)

memorial day

here's to supporting and honoring those currently in and who have been in service :)

it is late.

sleepless... in st louis! perhaps this could become a tv show :P jk jk.

don't have the heart to finish that last post. perhaps the individual subjects will pop up later when i actually think about them more thoroughly... :)

it didn't feel like summer today... so rainy :P and thunder and lightning now T.T but, as someone taught, it doesn't necessarily that's ugly :) it's hard not to look at rainy days that way lots of the time, though... what a 1-D point of view i hold sometimes ^^.

scooter and i were comparing usefulness of aid for the china earthquake disaster and myanmar's nasty problem... it reminded me of what my dad told me about his experience after vietnam, about sending aid out even though you're not sure it'll reach those you sent it to. a pretty interesting application of history repeating itself, but a challenge to figuring out whether to keep trying in something when it seems nearly hopeless. i say keep trying... that's what my dad did.

would it embarass you if i told you i love you?

today:

mcat class.

ucity library.

lunch at stl bubble tea and walking around forest park with cc.

then with linh and joyce at thai country cafe.

moving crap around my car to safely take joyce and dennis to the airport.

seeing joyce off.

taking dennis back to the lou.

meshuggah cafe with dennis.

bikers. screaming costume party.

people.

more bubble tea talking to dennis.

more talking.

back.

the highlights of my day seem so random but, surprisingly, God always pulls everything together in a way that you can never see at the moment and sometimes not until you look for it intentionally. how is it that one can be so hugely apparent and so small and quiet at the same time? it's a mystery :)

i love mcat class! so far haha ^^ but we'll see. having nothing to do for a week did something to me i think. someone hit me over the head

after studying what i could at the ucity library, i started writing in my moleskein while waiting for cc and pondering the reason for doing things. everything. things that came to mind: colossians, 1 corinthians, the switchfoot song.. meant to live, joyce's architecture graduation speaker (hansen?)'s quote from his dad on his deathbed: "there is no room in this world for mediocrity"... there really is no room for mediocrity. the world, in its situation, demands our very best for change. i know that's really general, but my thoughts were interrupted by a phone call signifying lunch... so it's ok.

joyce and cc will not be seen tomorrow... who knows when they'll return? i'm going to miss them. lunch and the walk with cc brought back memories of the old times when we'd talk until odd hours in the morning... but this time, the subject matter was completely different. i love hearing from people in relationships about their relationships with people because perspective completely changes.

dennis. mentorship/humility roles in relationships. weirdness of friendships and relationships. focus of relationships.

Dennis:
We do not need to live our entire life angry
with our past or with our weakness.
We do not have to be resentful towards our parents,
our society or our church
because they have hurt us.
We are called to discover that no pain is ever useless.
It is more like manure spread on the ground.
It smells horrid and seems only to be waste,
but in fact it enriches and nourishes the earth,
allowing it to bring forth new life.
Nothing is lost.
Jesus welcomes everything that is broken.
If we give him our weakness
he will transform it into a source of life.

Jin: oh wow

where is that from?

it's the freeverse poem?

Dennis: Yeah.

Jean Vanier.

graduation

tomorrow is the big day for seniors! post-graduation moving away is going to be sad... but the dispersal of their amazing influence into the big world (small world?) is exciting. the things you will do! (dr. seuss? hehe ^^) so with that thought, it'll be easier to stop being so selfish and let them go... :)

dang.

God is removing my rose-colored glasses.

as i go into this summer praying about stuff, there are already so many lessons.

i guess it's wrong of me to want so much from the opposite gender when we're all sinners anyhoo. i shouldn't expect guys to be 100% upright, non-game-playing, perfect, boringly amazingly intelligent, witty, well-adjusted, etc etc when i can't even be one of those (kinds of girls, not guys~!!!) myself. i say that, but it's hard to live without having unnecessary predetermined standards... but even if i try not to betray the fact that i have such standards... who am i kidding?

throwback: one year (and other stuff)

it's late and my brother is snoring like MAD (and i think the people above us hear it and... are they stomping on their floor?? ^^;;...). but it's ok. the poor kiddo has a cold *patpat*. if any of you are scoffing at the lack of ability to sleep right now, YOU try sleeping through 10 decibel weird breathing/snoring... :'(

i started this post today (saturday morning!) before finding out that 15 unwritten pages of chinese literature commentary were due monday. don't worry-- i think that'll be under control... i think... besides, it's currently too late to mention and too early to function.

last doulos meeting of the semester AND jean song left! sad...

some random piece of the conversation (dan talking about learning how to conduct from watching curious george... haha) made my mind wander (what a rare occurrence :P) to thinking about how i missed orchestra and how our communities=orchestras=one body. does that make sense?? if so, this may be the best extended metaphor EVER hehe

one of the best feelings ever ever EVER is being part of a musical ensemble. maybe i personally like it better because of tendencies to be a mindless follower (i'm trying to change!), but i love playing my instrument in a group, listening to the countermelodies and harmonies; frantically reading my music because i don't practice (and it is a much better experience when i DO practice haha); watching the conductor and everyone else get into the music; feeling my heart swell as our music swells and diminishes together... mm :)

though each player may have a radically different part, music is a collective experience-- it is only complete, and much better when all parts are put together.

so that was saturday morning!... i don't really remember where i was going with that T.T sighsighsigh. i think the orchestra really does serve as a beautiful model of one functioning body with different, integral parts... perhaps the way Christ intended our church to be, forever worshipping Him :D horray!

update: charley's strange breathing/snoring noises have been interrupted by a cough-- wait-- back to loudness. sigh... it was good keeping me up to write the essays. perhaps this time to think will be good :) i've wanted to think about this year since senior sendoff anyhoo ^^

i'm going to miss the presence of certain seniors next year. despite smallness of stature of some (teehee), their presence is so huge... a reminder of God's faithfulness/ great gifts through the people in our lives. it's going to be hard letting go of a kindred spirits, sisters, brothers, AND role models... even harder when some embody all (only one of the genders please!!!) simultaneously. wahh TT.TT

i guess it'll be okay if they leave, though. perhaps all that crap about doors opening and closing isn't that scary :) because this year has definitely taught me to love people i never knew how to love before, more. despite all our differences-cultural, social, economical- that may separate us in secular life, it's reassuring to see that Jesus always binds with something much greater, reaching over crazy strong bonds. whether we are korean or chinese, geek/prep/ditz/emo/etc, homeless or student, old or young; the fact that Jesus first loved has proven a strong motivator to recognize and rip down self-made barriers and unite us more as a body of followers. i learned repentance that grows alongside love of the unlovely. i recognized false fruit (counterfeits!). i caught idols sneaking into my life. i forgot a lot that i (hopefully) will remember. perhaps most importantly of all, i made a baby step in the direction of greater trust and assurance in God and His promises, confidence that what comes is good for us, surrender to fulfillment of His Kingdom through worship that permeates my life, and delight in the greatness of it all.

God really has been faithful this year... not only in numbers in fellowships, or as expressed by outward emotion seen by people, but by quietly working and guiding in individual lives. the best thing is that this all happened even to me, despite the fact that i suck at discipline, harbor bitterness, spout angry words at others, and lack respect. not bad, God... not bad :P

the lil bro has quieted down some... perhaps it's time to sleep. oh jk. man... the kid sleepmumbles too?! perhaps it's couchtime for jin. i wonder what i do in my sleep now. if he starts sleepwalking, i'm going to MAKE him wake up... rar

pre-summer propositions

this year is almost over and the summer to come is holding many possibilities. can i redeem my academic career in one fell swoop? is it going to be a testing time (har har)..? a time of crazy amounts of growth (finally)? will my future be revealed? dun dun dun...

what i know i WILL do:
*study alone
*be a good sister
*pray HARD
*discipline on all fronts
*stop being antisocial
*climb a tree
*persevere
*lose a few (quite a few)
*exercise with charley
*take bro to art hill
*not depend on emotions

weekend wind down

perhaps distracting working peers while sitting in the bschool is not the best of ideas hehe :P

anyhoo.

hello. this is the first real post in here! before anything happens, perhaps it's time to explain this blog's name.

jing<--chinese name= quiet

gin<--a spirit

jing+gin=quietspirits.

many thanks to joyce and dennis as well as the acquaintance with the song "love is like a bottle of gin" teehee ;)

i think i'm still kind of wary about putting posts up about my life. sometimes i overthink the implications of posting things and end up not putting anything up at all. then again, i guess it's okay to be vulnerable now and then... :P

this weekend was incredibly packed with lessons from the more unexpected places. joint worship for friday fellowship happened, and seeing beloved freshies put themselves out there for the purpose of worship was incredibly moving ^^

joyce's friends came down! they became pretty amazing after we opened up a tiny bit. i think i've found that glimpsing even a small amount of the less visible character of other people leads to more positive interaction :) we went to the art museum (some for the first time) on saturday. mm art ^^ i wish i had more time to spend walking around and appreciating like that. good thing my current schedule is so amaazeeeng :D

and as incredible as i think grace fellowship is, i finally realized that no fellowship is ever perfect. i know i should've realized this earlier, but it's hard to see bad when things seemingly go well. i guess that answered some prayers about seeing things more clearly... and brought people closer together :) i also learned more of how differently people see situations and my need to question things MORE, defend myself less, love others more, and perhaps read the book of James more deeply. taking dan's lesson on debriefing to heart, a few of us debriefed on the events of this weekend and i think it was good. it's bad to push problems to the back of your mind because they will always come back and attack you at the most inconvenient times, like an angry ex-spouse. hehe :P i think i'm going to leave that bad metaphor in out of spite ^^ anyways... it feels good to bring unspoken concerns to attention and reason through them.

perhaps the biggest lesson i learned this weekend was how much we need prayer. as agreed with joyce, we need to pray about so many things. there are so many uncontrollable factors about so many situations that i still seek the driver's seat in, but maybe it's time i start praying to release those aspects to God. those unspoken problems/ concerns probably would not have had such a negative impact on me if i had done so :) hope for the future!

in other news, i am rather bummed about this summer and my lack of planning ability. it turns out that due to graduation+junior jumpstart+mcat classes, i probably won't get more than a week at home with my beloved famfam T.T

hellohello!

it took so long! superduper thanks to joyce and dennis for the name :)

[1 peter 3.4]